I just want somewhere I can go to feel at home, at ease, and comfortable. Nobody would ever say I’ve been one to give a shit about fitting in, and just by looking at me one could make the judgement and say it’s my fault, I try to stand out… But I’m just being myself and doing what makes me feel happy and what I feel compelled to do, I’m not trying to stand out. Regardless, it remains— I spend time with my boyfriend and his family/friends (or just him for that matter) and one glance can separate me from them like the ugly duckling; when I spend time at work, or with the few friends I have, I am the one who strangers are giving uncertain side glances at when they come up to us in public and try to make small talk, just be friendly, or even try to start shit— whether it is a judgement based on my appearance or a more informed judgement after (trying) to get to know me/us, I am always the outsider.
I recently began an apprenticeship under a piercing artist I’ve respected and dreamed of learning from for years, one would think I couldn’t be happier, but no. Here I am fucking sobbing my eyes out thinking of how it must look to see me working their, awkwardly standing around trying to make myself look busy and as un-awkward as possible while everyone else gets along, screws around, and has fun together; when they do talk to me I can’t even fucking manage to feel comfortable saying anything, which just leads them to think I am this reserved, timid, alienated fucking oddity that they should just avoid. And I don’t blame them.
I’ve always been one to stand out, but never one to be ostracized. As much as I make the effort to be my old self and push myself out of my comfort zone and do my very best to make a place for myself with the people I meet, the people I work with, etc. I make no fucking progress, all I seem to manage is to make myself more and more uncomfortable and unsuccessful from observing all my failures when I do make the effort.
I don’t even know anymore.I give up.